Fighting the why's

I sit here daily fighting the why's, the what's, the how's, but frustration sets in because no question can be answered. I want to be this pillar of strength and this mountain of courage, but I feel undeniably vulnerable and weak at the knees. I feel my strength questions further as the vulnerabiliy sets in as tears and sadness. Why us? But why can I seemingly fail to focus on the positives? The beauty around me; my children, their health, my husband, food on the table, my own health...I further my mental frustration at my own failed optimism. I want to scream, but I know a good laugh can do so much more. I want to smile, but it is getting more challenging. My anger is mounting. We are so strong, but what if we lose so much? How can positive come from that? How do you not feel like a failure? I am disappointed that choices I made 7 years ago are effecting my ability to be successful today. I feel desperate and uneasy in this place. And now I feel better having written this. I know deep down that this too shall pass.