After realizing that we were indeed ready to have another baby, I found out that I was pregnant. I went in for an ultrasound and saw a little heartbeat on the screen and fell in love. 5 weeks later I lost my baby. I would never take for granted the beauty of a pregnancy and a baby again. Thereafter, I lost one more baby, but knew that I still wanted to try because I have never felt something so amazingly beautiful as becoming a mommy. It had added so much to my life already, and I wouldn't get discouraged, although I shed so many tears over both of my lost babies, but I know that we will indeed meet again and Bop is carefully caring for them.
About a month after the last baby I lost, I found out (May 28, 2008 to be exact) that I was expecting a baby. My excitement was set aside slightly and anxiety crept in...I wanted this baby so badly. I knew I had so much more love to give. My pregnancy went along easily. I was free of morning sickness and wasn't gaining all that much weight, which with Wynter was a different story!! All was going perfectly...September 19, 2008 I was humbled further. I went in for an ultrasound and we learned we were having a girl! We looked at each other was with excitement, fear, and anticipation...a third girl....oh my...12 years of teenage girls....oh my...We waited for the doctor....an hour and half ticks by....something is wrong....
My excitement was positively crushed....I questioned myself...am I selfish? Should I have given up on having a baby? Was this my fault? These questions lingered through frustration and tears for 20 weeks. I have never cried so many tears...I didn't even know that so many tears were possible. 28 weeks brought shots at home by Dana (he did really well)....Was she growing? Should I have an amnio? What was wrong? Was it chromosomal? Was it Down's? Why am I crying...I will love her unconditionally no matter what?
February 1, 2009 I was admitted to the hospital to start my induction because they didn't think she was growing properly. I cried...I didn't want to go...I felt like a child myself. I just wanted to feel like this wasn't my fault.
The morning of February 2, 2009 like 1 am...they gave me some Ambien....they gave my something to soften my cervix..."get rest" they say and before you know it my water breaks and within one hour I am 10 cm and having my baby girl. I don't even remember besides dancing through contractions with my brave husband and spitting ice cubes like a crazy lady.
Around 4 am February 2, 2009 you took your first breath and my heart opened wider than I knew possible. You were admitted to the intensive care NICU and I spent every waking moment possible with you. I walked within hours of giving birth to be with you. To look into your eyes while doctors, nurses, machines, technicians worked to determine your medical needs. You know I cried as though a flood gate opened within myself. I had been told you were perfectly healthy hours before hand and now you were hooked to oxygen tubes...needles were poking and prodding your perfect little body. I stayed strong in your presence and held your hand while you screamed and after they were done...Daddy and I scooped you up and gave you our undivided love and attention. Your beauty was undeniable.
September 16, 2009 (almost one year after we found out something could be wrong) we found out that your heart condition would not require any medical interventions. I have never felt so elated, but by this time I knew you...I knew your strength...I knew would be just fine.
You are an amazing baby...a gift. I know that I was meant to be your mommy. You gave me a sense of bravery I have never felt...a strength within myself I never knew existed. You have completed my life in so many ways. I cherish every moment of your existence and your achievements amaze me. I am honored and proud to be your mommy. I have become a more empathetic and patient person because of you. I am a better person and mommy. I couldn't love you more.
I cannot believe you are going to one. You say so many things, you make me smile more than I ever have, your steps my heart leap in anticipation for you, and I am so excited to be such an integral part of life. You will do amazing things sweet baby....I LOVE YOU ASHHHHHHWYYYNNN!!
Happy 1st birthday!!!
Love,
Your mommy!
